Let go of not knowing

You do know what you want.

Hello, my dear friends! Just popping my head out of the hibernation hole that has been the year 2025. It is New Years Eve and it is the traditional time to ask the questions - “Who do I want to be next year? What do I want to create? How do I want to spend my time?”

But what if you’ve been asking these questions all year?

There is a scene in the movie Searching for Bobby Fisher that has played over and over in my mind this year. In a nutshell, it is the story of a young Josh, a chess prodigy learning to navigate his boyhood while also rising to the top of the competitive chess world. In the scene I am referencing, Josh is sitting across from his chess instructor, Bruce, played by Ben Kingsley. Bruce is coaching Josh to see many moves ahead from where the chess pieces currently sit. Bruce says, “Don’t move a piece until you’ve figured it out in your head. And don’t look to me for a hint.” Young Josh replies, “I can’t do it without moving the pieces.” Bruce then says, “Yes, you can. Clear the lines of men in your head, one at a time, until the king is left standing alone. Here, I’ll make it easier for you.” Bruce then clears the chessboard with his arm, sending chess pieces flying across the room. Josh pauses and with the clear board in front of him, he knows his next move.

A long way of describing my year. Time devoted to caring for parents who have both since passed. Time caring for children who are now 18 and 20 years old and doing very well navigating their lives day to day. A business that is not as time-intensive as it once was. The daily tasks, activities, and work that comprised my life for many years was wiped clean in what felt like chess pieces flying across the room, which left me with the question, “what now?”

And my response for a long time was, “I don’t know.”

I would journal, I would talk with Joe, speak with friends, family. I didn’t know. The space felt so large. And at the same time, like the chess pieces, I was filling my days with little things here and there that left it cluttered. I was looking down at tasks and errands and chores instead of looking up at the horizon. The “I don’t know” felt too scary and big and so I filled it with little things that made me feel busy and productive, but not closer to the bigger answers.

I’ve found that when I am quiet, when my hands are busy, when my mind is occupied with muscle-memory tasks, I have ‘openings’ if you will. I receive the answer or knowing my mind could not grasp. I am not alone in this. There are so many stories and reports of people who have their a-ha moment in the shower, while driving, doing the familiar that takes little effort. The mind is occupied so the inner knowing/intuition/muse/spirit has a back door to sneak through.

This fall, while at my workbench, busy filing a piece of sterling, I felt the movement, heard the words, “Let go of ‘I don’t know’”. I looked up and looked out the window above my bench. “What does that mean?”, I thought. Let go the words, “I don’t know.”? How can I let go of it? I, in fact, don’t know. The words pushing against this idea were flowing in, the mind back online now. But that space between my heart and belly remembered hearing the words. How do I let go of not knowing? I don’t feel like I am holding on to it. I reallly want to be done with it. I’ll happily let go, but what takes its place?

I stood up and walked over to my desk in my shop, pulled a yellow legal pad out of the drawer and wrote, “What do I know?”

And the first thing that flowed out of my hand was, Start With The Basics.

I do know what I want.

I want good health.

I want good, healthy relationships.

I want to have good energy.

I want delicious food.

I want to laugh.

I want to play more every day.

I want to see and appreciate all of the small things that make up my life.

I want to help others.

I want to give back.

I want to be abundant enough to do be able to do what I want and to circulate it to others.

I want to have a clutter-free home.

I want to have a clean car.

I want to love my clothes and feel good in them.

I want to build things that last.

I want to plant things I won’t live to see at its largest.

I want to feel the divine in and around me.
I want beauty in my life.

I want to appreciate the magic that is happening in every moment that makes this life possible.

I want to love others.

I want to feel loved.

I want to put my feet on the floor every morning knowing how blessed and lucky I am to be here and to live as much as I can with that knowing flowing through my veins.

I do know.

I was looking for answers down a tube. Then I took the tube down and saw the world around me.

I do know what I want.

Before I tuned in to the deep knowing of what I want, I felt stuck, overwhelmed, unsure of where to start. And since moving into this energy of knowing, I have felt empowered. I am reminded that I am the creator of my life. I have even been surprised at some of the new people and opportunities that have flowed in. Some have been a fit, some have not. Some worked out, some didn’t. The beauty in all of it is that I feel sure that if it is here and stayed, it is meant for me. And if it didn’t, it is not.

Yes, there will always be circumstances that are out of our control. We will be faced with tough life situations and decisions. In truth, this year has been the toughest of my life. And at the same time, it has brought me back to myself. I have moved from a place of outward-facing reacting to the needs of all around me back to the center of my being.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

And from that place, I can handle what life brings me. I can handle that hardship. I can celebrate the beauty.

I am fully alive.