Good For You

Maia at 7 years old and her Grand Champion Duck, Lulu, and her Purple Ribbon, which she was not afraid to proudly hold in front of dozens of onlookers.

I remember my childhood bedroom like I slept in it last night – lavender walls, white balloon shades, white carpet. I especially remember the white carpet because in the 7th grade, my friend Brett came to visit and when she walked in my bedroom for the first time, she exclaimed, “Seja! You have white carpet!” Like, what parent would let their child have white carpet? I somehow kept that carpet clean, but there were other parts of my room, too, that I remember vividly. Like my trophy shelf. It held mostly community soccer trophies, a spelling bee trophy, a couple of other things I can’t remember. But one thing I clearly can remember – a new friend coming over for the first time in third grade. She came into my room and noticed the trophy shelf. She looked at it and asked me why I had all these trophies. I told her in simple terms. She then looked at me and said in a tone I could not misconstrue: “Well, good for you.”

Three words that look nice on the page, except they weren’t nice when they came out of her mouth. After she said them, I stood in silence looking at my trophy shelf for what I am sure seemed longer than it actually was. My stomach started to hurt a little. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew in that moment I wanted to throw those trophies under a blanket in my closet. I suggested we go outside to play.

Growing up, one of the largest messages that came through from various sources was not to be conceited. Don’t talk about yourself and don’t, under any circumstances, brag. As a young girl, I was good at this. I was good at turning the focus away from myself and shining a light on others. I was good at not talking about myself. I encouraged others and when they asked about me, I unconsciously turned the conversation back to them as soon as I could. I was nice. That was the message of the 80’s for me – Be Nice. Be a nice girl and you will be accepted. Be nice and you will have friends. Be nice and you won’t feel like you did that day in your bedroom looking at your trophies with that girl you played with once. And being nice meant not talking about yourself and anything you might be good at.

A child of mine came home from school recently feeling a bit sad. I checked in with her and she relayed to me what happened. She said she and her friends were kidding around and she joked, “I’m such an awesome artist. I am the best person ever. I love myself so much.” She said she had done this a couple of times and even though she tried to make it clear she was kidding, this made a couple of her friends upset. They later told her she was self-centered and egotistical at times and that she seemed to think she was better than others. She told them it’s actually the opposite – that when she is feeling a bit down about herself, when she builds herself back up in that type of talk, she actually feels better about herself. That by saying those things out loud, even in a joking way, she feels better. She then expressed how she would love that if another friend said those words out loud – words about being awesome, about being great – she would say “Heck yes! You are awesome! You own that!” She then asked me, when did saying good things about yourself, even in a kidding way, become a bad thing?

I didn’t know how to answer.

I told her it had been that way a long time, that people can quickly be labeled a braggart if they talk about themselves too much. We discussed ratios and how much is too much of talking about yourself. What is the intention behind what we are saying? When do we turn off the self-congratulatory talk and when is it okay? We also discussed the wording – that maybe saying “I am going to kill this geometry test!” sounds different than “I am the best math student this school has ever seen!” And who is the judge? And what if it is a girl or a boy saying it? Or a five year old or fifteen year old saying it? We talked about humility and being humble and we talked about giving ourselves pep talks and letting the world know we can handle whatever comes our way. So many variables, so many humans to judge us. She knew all of the nuance of this and it was a very healthy conversation for us both.

But one thing she said in that conversation stuck with me and has been with me since she said it: what if someone was saying something good about themselves and instead of being met with judgment, they were met with, “Heck yes! You are awesome! You own that!” What would that look like? What would that feel like?

I told my child that day to own her awesomeness. That she didn’t even have to minimize it as kidding around. If it helps her to speak to herself that way, to boost herself up, then own it. She does not have to minimize herself to make others more comfortable. And to take that awesome confident energy and spread it around as much as she could. Build others up – let them know their amazingness is welcome around you. That it is unlimited.

Years after that incident in my bedroom with the trophy shelf, my high school English teacher asked a question and I raised my hand to answer, answered, and he said, “Good for you, Seja.” I looked around at my classmates. My stomach flipped. I looked down and wanted to crawl under my desk. I was back in my bedroom looking at my trophies, feeling what I now know was shame. But when I looked up, my classmate turned and looked back at me, smiled and gave me a sincere thumbs-up. My teacher wasn’t being sarcastic. He was congratulating me for getting the right answer.

Good for you.

Those words changed for me that day in high school English. They held so much negative energy for so long. And that day, I learned how much words can change depending on the intention behind them. And that it is okay to be good at something and show it. You can say, I am great at this! And that by talking about it, you are not undermining or discounting anyone else. And that being nice and being confident are not mutually exclusive . That you can love people and love yourself and when you celebrate yourself out loud in whatever way, they will say back to you, “Heck yes! You are awesome! You own that.”